Episode 165. 12 Books of Christmas Day 2: What Your Soul Needs for Stressful Times with Holley Gerth

Unedited Transcript

Holly, welcome back to the show. I'm so excited to have you today. Thank you so much for having me again. This is a treat. I know I say this is probably like, I think the third time you've been on the show and I think I've said it the other two times as well, but it's always fun to catch up with you because you were one of the first.

People that probably spoke into my life, like in adulthood, where I was in the season, where I was starting to disciple girls for the first time. Like I can remember the first small group I ever led was. You're made for God says dreams. And so sometimes when I look at your books on my shelf, like it's very, it's sentimental to me because we're part of a really pivotal season in my life, spiritually speaking.

And you didn't even know that then we weren't friends. So it's fun to get to talk to you now and, um, just get to support the work you're doing. So I'm just sending, well, I love that and I appreciate you saying it. It's so fun. So yeah. I love that this time we get to talk Christmas. I love Christmas. And even though we're recording this in advance, it's fun to get, to put your Christmas hat on for a minute.

So we're going to do that before we get into your new devotional book that I'm so excited to talk about today. So before that, I want to hear, what did Christmas look like in your family? Growing up? Tell me about some of your favorite memory. One of my favorite memories is the night before Christmas, my brother and I would always act out the Christmas story.

And so my dad would read the chapter and Luke, and we would put on all we had was these little terrycloth bathrobes, and then we would somehow. Fix towels on our head, you know, biblical and a doll was baby Jesus. And yeah, so that was really fun. So that's always the first thing I think of when I think about Christmas and we also usually got to see one side of my grandparents.

They both lived out of town. And so I think of that too, like driving to go see them and waking up at their house on Christmas morning. Yeah. That's so fun. We would do the same thing and my grandfather would read. Luke. And so that is always a sweet memory for me to think back on, um, living so far away. I sometimes miss the Christmas family party sometimes, but, um, I look back on those memories, just so fondly.

I love that. Did you have. So my family was super crafty. We love, well, my mom was super crafty and she passed that, that love onto me. And so we would always do like Christmas crafts and things like that. Was there something other than like the acting out of the Christmas story that you did, like tradition wise that you.

I always look forward to, yeah, there were certain treats and my family made just to Christmas. So one was peanut butter balls, which is like, I think peanut butter and confectionary sugar in the afternoon chocolate that, yeah. And we would make them also for everyone at my dad's office. So I just remember our entire kitchen, all the counters being covered in peanut butter balls, which to a kid.

This is heaven.

So yeah, that was a fun memory that we always did at Christmas. And still, my family always does a puzzle at Christmas, wherever we are. One of us brings a puzzle and we spend a lot of time doing that and sitting around the table and talking. So those are two fun things. That's fun. I admire that a lot. I do not have patients for puzzles.

I, I'm not an enjoyable partner in. Putting a puzzle together because I get, I get frustrated so easily. I've tried so many times I tried during quarantine. My parents got super into them. Yeah, they're not for everyone, but I love that. I love that. That's a Reaper. You did. You have, okay. We know about the chocolate peanut butter balls, but everybody kind of has their own flavor of like what had to be on their dining room table for like their Christmas meal.

Were there certain things that you always looked forward? Yes. We had a special family pie. It was chocolate pudding on the bottom and vanilla pudding on the top. And so we only got that dessert at Christmas. And so that was my it's been really simple, but every year it was like, okay, time to get that far.

I love that my family on my dad's side. We would eat a similar meal on Thanksgiving and Christmas. So every year on Thanksgiving, we're like, man, it's only three and a half weeks till we get.

But, and, and some years we would be like, I think we could mix it up, but then somebody would go. I was just so mad. You know, you only get it twice a year. You might as well take advantage. Exactly. Exactly. I love that. Also. I love simple desserts things that you can make easily to test. So I like that. Yeah.

So that's a good little trick. That's all you need. Chocolate and vanilla pudding, probably cross done. So good. I love that. Hard right. Turn, because we have a book to talk about. I am so excited to have your devotional be a part of our 12 books of Christmas. And when I saw the title of it, I thought, man, How helpful will this be to people during the Christmas season?

Because Christmas as fun as it is, can be very stressful when we're spending lots of time with family. And we just have busy schedules and parties every other night and all the things. And so I love this idea of. So it includes 60 spiritual truths that help us during stressful times. And I think sometimes Christmas can be one of those times.

So I want to hear from you like why it was, why was it so important to you to help others protect their peace, kind of coming out of the pandemic and, and going into this new season. Why was that important topic? Yeah, well, I wrote the book through the pandemic and so it just seemed like everywhere I looked, something was trying to steal our peace, whether it was COVID or politics or racial unrest.

And. Those things, you know, we want to engage in, but to do so from a place of ultimate peace, I think is really powerful. And so it's really the book I needed to write to get through this time. And that's often how it works, you know, I think we write what we need to read. And so it was really healing for me just to sit with God and say, okay, what is still true?

No matter what the entire world seems to have. It's my mind. And it would be so easy to be stressed out all day, every day. And sometimes I was, but what do you have for me that is unchangeable. I need to know that more than ever right now. And so that's really where the, well it came from. Yeah, that's awesome.

It's fun to hear kind of the stories behind how books happen, because sometimes it. People are writing from their scars, right? Like they've been through something and, and God has done a work. And then years later it's like, okay, I think that's going to be a book. And then sometimes you're just like in the depths of something.

And it's like the season of, okay, everywhere I turn, I see this. And, and I think this is one of those types of messages. And so, um, I love that you wrote it in the midst. Kind of what we were all going through. One of the quotes that I loved and I'd love for you to talk about is stress is inevitable, but letting it control your life is optional.

So. But we do, we do let it control our lives. So like how do we stop? Yeah, it's a great question. And it's true. We're all going to experience stress. And one interesting thing, as I research for this book, I discovered that it's actually not unhealthy to have stress in our lives. We've been taught that. So even reframing how we see stress, there's this huge survey done of people and those who had the highest level of stress.

Also had the highest level of wellbeing, which you would not think those two go together, but the things that bring meaning to our lives also bring stress. Like kids are stressful, but they bring us joy. Our work is stressful, but it can bring us fulfillment. And so even pausing and saying, okay, what perspective do I have on stress?

Can help us stop being controlled by it because we've been taught to fear it. Like, it's all bad, it's going to destroy you. It's going to ruin your house. And at certain levels, stress can become toxic, but saying, I want all stress out of my life. Isn't realistic. It's also not even helpful. And so I think that's the first step is saying, okay, I need to look.

Trust differently, which helps us not be controlled by it. And then I think saying, what is the fear at the root of this stress? Because it usually comes from some kind of fear, fear of failure, fear of some external circumstance there. So pausing and saying. What is the fear underneath the stress can be part of it, even if it's, we're staying busy all the time, because we want people's approval.

That still goes back to fear and then asking, what lie am I believing about this that is leading to fear. And what's the truth that God wants to replace it with instead. And so remembering we're loved, we're accepted. We have been promised. Security, no matter what's going on in the world. And we won't instantly emotionally feel different just by saying those words.

That's just not how we're wired as humans, but if we make it a practice to return to truth, and over time when we're stressed, we'll learn how to bring ourselves out of it in a more effective way. It's kind of like doing bicep curls. Like every time we realize I'm believing a lie and then we intentionally go back to truth.

Like we're building a muscle. And so you don't instantly say, oh, I'm super strong now. But if you do that consistently over time, when stress happens, then we can find our way back to peace, a little easier. And so that's why I wanted to do this book as a devotional to it's a 60 day journey. So basically I'm training you.

Um, I'm your personal trainer, personal peace trainer saying I will help you do that girls every single day. So that by the end of this, your life's not going to be stress-free, but you will know how to not be controlled by it. As much as you have been before. Yeah, that's so good. And it reminds me of, um, some of the parts of a book that were really powerful to me a couple of years ago.

Um, from get out of your head by Jenny Allen, just in talking about how we can reframe and actually like rewild rewire neural pathways in our yeah. Like point ourselves back to truth and say that instead of negativity that we tend to dwell on and you said something that sparked something to me. Yeah.

I'm curious if you have any thoughts about this. So my husband and I have been married a little over two years, so we're in that, by the bi-cultural standards in that season of. Everybody's asking when we're going to have kids. Right. And I'm also surrounded by friends who are having children or in their first few years of motherhood.

And this is not directed towards any of my friends who are going to listen to this podcast. So I just want to, I just want to say that before I say the question, disclaimer, the disclaimer, I'm going to get a bunch of text messages of people. Like, I'm sorry if I've disappointed you, but I feel like in, in particularly my generation.

And I, I blame social media for this. There is sort of this phenomenon of like it becoming a cute thing and like just the thing to do, to complain about motherhood, uh, to, to talk about how difficult it is and there's, and there's, there's a line of like, yeah, let's be vulnerable and be real about the struggles of motherhood or even the struggles of marriage.

Um, But when I look around, I just don't see a lot of like, yeah, this is hard, but like, here's how God's meeting me in that. And, and yes, I lost it on my kids today, but like, here's how I reconciled that. And here's how God met me in the midst of that today to the point Holly, where there are times if I'm being perfectly honest, That it makes me wonder if I want to have kids.

Yeah. Because all I hear is negativity. Yep. And so for somebody on, on my side of motherhood, you know, as we're talking about stress, like how do we flip that script? How do we encourage women to, to share be vulnerable, but also, um, Point ourselves back to truth in the midst of hard days. I don't know. Do you have any thoughts about that?

Yeah, I think that, that we need to understand the difference between complaining and processing. So complaining. It's just sorta going down into the pit, you know, and. That's not necessarily helpful in lists you use it to go to the other side. And so asking ourselves, where's the end point that I'm landing with this.

If I need to say I had a really hard day, my kids drove me nuts, you know, and that's okay. But we need to get to the other side of it where we say, like you mentioned, God is meeting in this place or I need help because I can't see him right now. Friend remind me of what's true. Cause I keep feel it or I can't see it.

And we see that a lot in songs. I mean, David is like, where are you? God, I hate my life. Your everything's messed up. But by the end he says something like, and yet I will put my hope in God. And so I think asking ourselves, what is my. And yet if we want to complain and voice something so that we can move past them, I think that can be healthy, but we've always just got to say, what is the end yet in the middle of the circumstance and make sure we end up there.

And like I said, that may mean that we need. If we are stuck so much, we can't get there. It's probably time to find a counselor. You know, I've wrestled with anxiety and depression. And that's one way I know that I'm going back to that place is I can't get to the AME yet by myself. And there's no shame in that.

It's just absolutely to me, like I need a trusted friend, I need a counselor. Maybe I need to go see my doctor again. Uh, but watching out for that, I think can help and knowing too, just watching ourselves and knowing stresses can take. That negativity is contagious because God created us with mirror neurons, where we sync up with each other's brains, which is extraordinary to me.

But if you're consistently being negative in a way that doesn't lead to that in yet, then it does affect the people around you. It's kind of like secondhand smoke. It's secondhand. And again, not to say that we don't need a process with each other. We absolutely do, but just saying, okay, I'm here, but I'm going to figure out how not to stay here.

I'm going to get to the other side of this thing and. Just watching our words and saying, what do I want people to pick up from me? Is this something I want to pass on to someone else? Or is this something that maybe I need to work through with a counselor or my best friend that that's our role in each other's lives so that we can just say it all.

So I think it's complicated. And whenever I say that stuff, I always feel afraid. Someone's going to hear you need to be positive all the time and that's not it. I think we just need to be intentional about the impact of our words and what kind of help we might need. The hard times. Yeah, that's so good, Holly.

And I'm going to brag on one of my friends, friends. I had a conversation with her the other day. My, one of my dearest friends that lives in Tennessee is pregnant with her, their first baby. And one of her mentors in her life came to her a few months ago before they got pregnant. And she realized how negative she had become in their friendship about motherhood.

And she came to my friend, Becca, and she was. I just need to apologize. Like I'm coming to the realization of, of like the last few times we've spent time together. I've been extremely negative about my kids and I need you to hear, like, I want to make a concerted effort to yes. Be transparent with you and, and sure.

Maybe process some things with you, but I also want to point you back to truth because I know that this season is coming for you. I want you to know the full truth of it and the full truth of it is kids are a blessing and yes, it is hard and there are hard days, but, um, I want you to see the fullness of it and not just my negativity and I.

I was so proud of, I don't even know that friend, that mentor in her life, but I was like, that is so kind to come to that realization and decide like, I love my friend enough that I might process some things with her, but I want to be mindful, like you're saying of like those mirror neurons, like they, they match together.

So impact that part of her life in a negative way. And so. I just thought that was so good. Yeah, that was so good. And I love how you said, like showing the fullness of it because often we only just tell one side of the story and I think either way that's unhelpful, if you only TA tell the negative side of the story, that's not helpful, but if you only tell the positive side of the story, that's not helpful.

So I think asking ourselves, am I, am I sharing the fullness of it? The hard things, but also the happy things. And we do as humans have a negativity bias in our brains. We notice what's negative first. It keeps us safe. Like if a bear came charting into your studio right now, you'd be like, oh, I noticed that bear more than Holly.

So that's helpful for our survival, but if we're not aware of it, then we don't take steps to say, okay. Yes, what's negative is probably going to stand out more to me. It's going to take a little bit of work for me to find the positive. And when I do that, it's not being fake. It's just balancing out this human part of who I am that has a purpose.

Keeping me alive, but if I let it be the only thing I ever think about, then it's going to lead to some toxic stress in my life. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's so good. There's a couple more pieces of this devotional that I really love. Uh, pieces that you found important that I think are so important too. Like you have space for prayer, you have some reflection questions and some quotes and things like that kind of incorporated in.

So let's talk about why was incorporating prayer so important to you? And let's talk about like, just how crucial that is in our lives, in the midst of stressful. Yeah. I think the moments when we're most stressed is when we feel like we're doing it all on our own, it's all up to us. And prayer reminds us that we're not alone and that someone bigger and wiser and more loving who can see the whole picture is part of our story today.

Not just part of it, but the author of it. And so I think it's about just putting ourselves in God's presence, in whatever state we're in, especially for stress. And remembering that he's our ally, that he's not condemning us for being stressed out. He's not telling us to get it together. He's not rebuking us.

Instead. He's saying like a parent would to a child, you don't have to handle this all on your own. I'm here. I love you. I'm for you. Let's do this together. And so that was the purpose of including. Yeah, that's so good. It's so important. So before we go on to our Patrion questions, which I'm really excited about, um, if listeners are coming to this conversation today, just in the midst of a day of chaos, which is pretty likely considering this is going to release during the Christmas season, what is maybe one truth that you would want to leave them with?

I would say what I just said, you don't have to do this on your own recruit other people to help you recruit God help you. And it's, I think that's when we get most stressed is we feel like I'm totally on my own in this. And it can definitely feel that way, but the reality is we're not. So if that means pausing to say a quick prayer, if it means.

Texting a friend and saying, Hey, having a hard day, can you pray for me or saying, all right, maybe this is a good time to get in touch with my counselor. Again, whatever that looks like, or even going on a walk outside. Sometimes that helps me distress. Just remembering. Hey. Yeah. A part of a bigger world and a bigger plan.

And so I think that laying down that lie of, I have to do all of it all on my own can be helpful. Yeah. And taking a deep breath. There's a technique I share in the book called box breathing. So if someone's listening right now, you breathe in for four counts. Breathe in through your nose, four counts, hold your breath for four counts, breathe out for four counts and then leave your lungs empty for four counts.

And if you do that about three times, it will help your nervous system start getting out of fight or flight because there's a very physical element to stress. Treat it like it's all spiritual or it's all psychological, but the reality is what's happening is our fight or flight response is triggered this alarm system in our body.

And so whenever we feel stressed, we need to do something physical to help with that too. So that's one simple technique. So thinking in those moments, what's something spiritual. I can do say a quick prayer. What's something physical. I can do a quick round of box breathing. What's something relational. I can do text a friend.

Combining a few small things can add up to a big difference in our stress load. Yeah, that's so good. Ooh, that's so practical. People can take that and just, just use it. And I love that so much. Well, I am so excited to talk. Over on Patrion for people who are subscribed over there, we're going to hop on over and do our sort of our bonus round with Holly there.

But I'm so, so grateful to have you today. I want you to share the name of the book, where can people find you online? Yes. The book is what your soul needs for stressful times. You can find it anywhere. Books are sold in. Also see more about it on my site. Holly girth.com. Awesome. And Holly with an extra E.

Yes. L L E Y. I always have to do like that double check to make sure I say first name, right. Because yeah. I don't know any other Holly's that are spelled like yours. I love that. Okay. Well, this has been so much fun. I am so excited about this new devotional. And I just want to say a big thank you again for being here today.

Thanks again for having me.