Episode 138. Fighting Comparison with Contentment with Alyssa Bethke

Unedited Transcript

Alyssa. Thank you so much for being with me today. I'm so excited. Oh, I'm still looking for a direct conversation. Thanks for having me. I am too. I am so excited about your new book satisfied. It came out a few months ago and I love this message. And one of the things that really peaked my interest because we shared sort of.

Similar season of life, which is where I'd love to kind of start. So you open by talking about this season, when you moved back to Hawaii and sort of this season of loneliness that you experienced. What you don't know about? My story is I've been married a couple of years. My husband's a pastor. Um, we both would consider east Tennessee home, but God has moved us to south Mississippi, um, for now in this season.

And so when I joined him in ministry down here, um, I left everything that I had ever known and see to come here and also. Sort of simultaneously become a pastor's wife, started a new job, just everything, all the new great, amazing things. However, I totally flipped my life upside down. Right. And so sometimes it was hard to navigate this tension of like, God there's so much good and there's so much abundance in this season, but.

I don't have friends and my friendships look different now and things like that. So I would love to just talk shop about that season in your life, kind of what God showed you in that. And I just want to start there. Sure. Well, I think I love that you're. Um, so honest about your season. And I feel like a lot of people can relate.

I feel like so many people have moved during COVID and, um, just resettled and are finding themselves in the same situation. And even if you haven't moved, I feel like we're all kind of like getting back to quote unquote, normal life, whatever that looks like and like reentering community and relationships.

And how does this work and who are my friends again? And how do I be a good friend? I remember like four months into COVID. Right. I don't even know who my friends are, if I'm a good friend or I just felt so insecure because I hadn't been around people for so long. And so I think, um, what you're talking about is a lot of people can relate to.

And when we moved to Hawaii, it felt like, um, almost like, uh, Double struggle. If you could say that because we had moved because we wanted community. We were the only ones in Washington state that were married in our friend group and then had a child. Um, which we loved all of our single friends so much, but there was just something that we really longed to have young families in community with, and like to just raise kids together with.

And so we had moved here because I lived here previously and knew a lot of young families. And I just, that was the reason why we moved. So I thought, oh, we're just going, gonna get plugged in right away, have all these great deep friendships. And that first year living here. Was not like that at all. It was, um, all the friends I had had before.

Weren't living here anymore. Or I was in a different season now. I came back married and with a child and, um, and Jeff, my husband travels a lot for his job and he had already had all these previous engagements. And when you travel from Maui, it really is like international, like going to the east coast.

So instead of being gone for a weekend, he was all of a sudden gone for weeks and it just felt so lonely and so difficult. Be able to have families over because my husband wasn't there. And then, um, so difficult to make new friends. I feel like as a young mom, it's so hard. Cause it's like, um, not only do you have to have that connection with somebody, but then it's like, are your kids going to play well together?

If you're napping schedule season, it's like, do you have the same napkin schedule? So you can even have the same time to get together and all these hurdles, um, I think we have different hurdles and different seasons and. Honestly, I feel like as an adult, it's just harder to make friends. I think you just, we don't have as much margin to bond and to connect and, um, and so it can just be really hard.

And I have struggled with loneliness throughout my life. I'm an only child. So I feel like that was always something that okay. That was just something that always was hard for me. And I remember this time when my older daughter was napping and I had my Bible open and I just had these big alligator tears just crying out to the Lord and my loneliness felt so, um, just felt so palpable, like, like just so dark and lonely and almost like I couldn't breathe.

Like Lord, please send friends. I need community we're made for community. I know it's your desire, but I feel so lonely and I'm so tired. Taking a risk and asking someone to hang out and they're not rejecting me, but they just can't make it happen that week, or it just didn't work out. But taking it so personally, and then it would take me so long to ask another friend.

Um, and so I felt like I opened up my Bible to the songs and it was the song where it says. Better as a thousand days in your courts than anywhere else. And just like, may I long to dwell with UTS S and I just felt like the Lord was saying, Alyssa, let your loneliness. Welcome in my presence. Like, let me meet you here.

And that loneliness as hard and difficult as it is, it's an invitation to be in the presence of God and to let him really satisfy that deep hurt and that deep longing first and foremost. And I know that can sound cliche and I don't mean it to sound cliche at all, but I think I realized that I really had to.

Be filled with Jesus, his presence, and to have him satisfy me there before I knew what it looked like to be a good friend and how to continue to take risks and to add the courage, to ask people, to get together and to be okay with it, not working out. And, um, and so it was from a place of really. Being with him and talking with him and wrestling with him and crying out to him that then I felt like, okay, instead of being so down about what was me, I have no friends.

It's like, okay, Lord, who do you want? Who needs a friend? Who can I be a friend to you? And I feel like that really shifted things for me. And not that it changed overnight, it still was hard. I would plan all these things together. I started a mom's group Bible study and would have like monthly dinners and just all these things.

And I still felt lonely cause it felt like everyone was connecting, but me because I was hosting it. Um, but it takes a couple of years. And then finally it was like, okay. And I I'm the type of person that I only really need my one person, like someone to go really deeply into like SOS text and like bring sugar when I'm a sugar, like I just need and the Lord.

Graciously brought that to me, it just took a long time, but in the process, learning to take risks and to continue to, um, ask people to things and to really just let the Lord fill that deep loneliness. Um, so yeah, I can see that ring true in my life, in this season as well, because, uh, When I'm in sort of that selfish place of like, God, I just, I need people.

And I just am asking that you provide that, but I'm, but I'm approaching it from a selfish place. I always end up frustrated. Right. Or I always just feel like, um, I climbed deeper in the pit of loneliness, but when I'm satisfied with him and that's the place where I start, I've been able to branch out of realizing like, yeah, my, my friendships might look different in this season.

For instance, I don't have a ton of friends, um, who don't already have children. We don't have children yet. And so there's, there's sort of. This piece of them that I don't relate to yet, but, but God's given me the grace to be able to learn, like, how do I, how do I love their kids? Well, and be a part of their family, um, and, and have friendships that might look a little different than maybe they did before I got married.

And so it's been, it's been really sweet, so yeah, I can totally see. You know, this message of satisfied ringing true in my own life, kind of in those friendships in this season. So that's what, one of the reasons I was so excited to talk about this book, and there's a few other things that really stood out to me that I know will really speak to my people that I'd love to unpack.

And one of them is this idea that you talk. Miracles and how sometimes God moves in mysterious ways that maybe seem sudden, and sometimes there's a long way. And I just want to hear, you know, how do we clean onto the truth that our waiting is not in vain when sometimes that feels super hard. Yeah. I love that.

You bring up that question. I think man waiting can be so hard and um, I feel. Like, yeah, but I think I've realized that no matter what season of life you're in, we'll always be waiting for something. And even after the Lord, um, even if he says yes to something and answers our prayer and like, does the miracle.

Then it's still, it's still life and it still has its challenges and it's still can be difficult. And I think I've just realized that no matter what miracle he does or what answer to yes, he does. I still need Jesus. And sometimes I think I forget that like once I get this, or once I get that job, or once I have this child or get married, like my life will just be so satisfying.

Um, and those are all really good gifts that the Lord gives. And when he answers. But at the end of the day, I still will need to claim to Jesus and it still will show my weakness. Somehow it still will grow me and mature me and sanctify me in some way. Um, and I'll still long for something else. And, um, and so I.

There's that truth, but also, and it gives us a lot of empathy for whoever is in waiting and what they're waiting for. Um, but that the Lord, I think I see the more I live and I haven't lived that long. I'm still in my thirties, but that God really. Like the waiting period is not a period to just wash over.

It's not wasted time. It's not in vain. It's not like God is silent in those times, but those are the times that are often really that the Lord is really doing such good work and it's causing us to, when we realize like it's not in our control and we really have to rely on the Lord and we have to go to him.

And there's so many times in the gospels I've been so struck by this. That Jesus tells us to ask, like, to knock, to like, just say it. And I think about that with, um, I have three kids, seven, five, and two, and sometimes especially my oldest will say things like, oh, I wish that I did that. Like, I wish we could go get ice cream tonight or I wish we could.

Um, and she'll say it sometimes in a complainy voice. And I, I think of that and I'm like, I think I do that with. So many times when instead as a parent, I'm like, you can just ask me, like, you can just say, Hey mom, can we go get ice cream tonight? Or, Hey mom, do you think we can, um, go to the beach today? And most, because most of the time I'm going to be like, yes, let's go do it.

And so anyway, all that to say, I think the waiting period. The Lord uses in such deep and profound ways. Um, but we have to be willing to step into it and to accept it and to really be in the presence of the Lord, like to seek him and say to lay it all out before him to tell him our hearts desires to trust in him.

And. Than to wait to see how he works it out in his timing. And in the midst of that, he is growing us. He's helping us, he's giving us opportunities to have faith. He's giving us opportunities to abide in him, to trust him. And that is such a gift. And I read about in the book that. Um, really, I think that is the greatest gift of all because we're getting God and God is so much better than any desire we have.

And every desire we have is supposed to lead us to God and to show us, to show the world, the glory of the Lord and. And so, and I think in the midst of that, you know, it's so easy. And I think, especially in this era with social media and Instagram and, um, Amazon was like, you know, quit one day one, our shipping, if you live in Seattle, um, that it can be really hard to wait.

Cause things seem so. Fast. And we look at, we go on social media and we see all these women who are doing the thing or have the gifts that we're longing for or whatever it may be. Or even like, I follow so many beautiful homes on Instagram, like renovations, and it can be so easy to be like, oh, why does my home look like that?

Well, you know, it took like years and months to do the remodel and to put that together and, um, And so we have to really be careful to guard our heart against comparison and, um, And to really like lean into the slow work and that that's a really good thing. And that there's all these little miracles that God is doing.

Um, we can't just live for the really big things, the big moments in life, which those can be so easy because that's what we see online. We see everyone's highlights, but that God is doing all these slow miracles throughout our day, but we have to slow down and we have to open up our heart and eyes to see what he's doing.

And, um, I think our lives are made up. Slow miracles, not the really big miracles. And, you know, it's like the slow miracles of, um, planting seeds and seeing the flowers bloom, or, um, you know, making a meal and having everyone at your table, just like talking. Being together and enjoying the food that you can make or, you know, when you pray for things.

And like, I pray so often for my kids' character and their heart. And, and then I see that day, like, oh, in this moment my daughter came and like admitted her wrong. She was humble. She wasn't defensive today and that's a huge win and it can seem so small on the big scale of life. Like my desire is. She will love the Lord with all her heart and seek him and follow him.

And I'm continuing to pray for that. But today in this moment, like she admitted a wrong and I'm going to rejoice to cheer for that. Um, and so, yeah, I think just all the little small miracles, and I think when we open up our heart and eyes to see those that gives us strength to keep going to persevere and to see that God is working, he is answering, he is doing.

Good work. And I think of Ann Voskamp spoke a thousand guests. Like there are so many gifts that he gives each day. Um, we just have to slow down and see them and call them out and give thanks for them. Yeah. Yeah. I, I could not agree more and I am so with you on that thought of so many moments of our lives are, are just taking that next logical step with God, right?

Like it's something. You're right. We tend to celebrate and acknowledge these big moments. And that's what we see on social media. But when we peel back the curtains of our actual lives, most of our days are just taking. Those next logical steps one right after the other, um, and the direction God is leading.

And so I think that's so important to consider. And you touched on this, but I would love to talk about it a little more, this idea of comparison and social media and goodness, just how it affects. Um, Our thought lives, our friendships. Um, I would just love to hear, like, what are some practical things that you have found either in your own life or maybe that you were sort of coaching women in that have helped sort of combat all of this?

Yeah, man, it's such a good topic. And, and I wonder like back in the day, I mean, I think comparison is just. A temptation that we've had, but I have had older women tell me, like, man, to be a, a young woman today would be so hard because you just see what everyone else is doing. And it can be really hard not to feel less than, or not enough, or like why doesn't my life look like that?

Or, wow. It must've been so easy for them or whatever. Things that we can take away that most of the time are not true at all. Like we only see people's like maybe 10% of what really is going on. And like I said, the highlights. And those are really, I love social media. I love I've met so many friends there that they never would have known otherwise.

And I think it can be such a great community. And I think as women, we love beautiful things. And so to be able to go on and see like beautiful pictures and, you know, like back in the day they would, you would buy a magazine and now it's like go online or go to Pinterest or social media. Um, but it can.

Just such a temptation to compare and even if you're not online, um, yeah, I feel like sometimes I am most tempted to compare with the people closest to me, which breaks my heart, but it's true. It's like, I, I see the gifts they have and it, an inspiration can so quickly turn into, um, I just like jealousy.

Like I wish my life looked like that. I wish I was like her, why can't I have her energy level? Or why can't my house look like that? Or why, whatever my body can't look like that. Um, and so I think we just have to be so diligent too. One be aware of what's going on in our hearts and to be careful with what we're putting before our eyes and what thoughts are entering our head to just like really be aware of it.

And when it comes in, like when we see a picture and we all of a sudden realize, okay, That wasn't good for my heart or all of a sudden I feel is Mitch jealous or I'm really disappointed with my life. Like, okay, that's, that's telling me something or like a thought that comes into my head of, um, comparing myself with her and then feeling so insecure about myself.

Okay. That's telling me something. And so, um, some of the things that have really helped me and I still. You know, I think it comes in different waves and different seasons of when it's more difficult or I feel like every time I'm like shocked by how it happened, you know, like, yeah, it just can be shocking.

And so I feel unprepared, but, um, One thing is to be aware of what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling when something happens and to talk to the Lord about it. Like, just to be honest, like, wow, I saw this picture today instead of continuing to numb out and continuing to scroll, like, okay, I'm going to stop.

Why do I feel the way I feel? What am I feeling? And Lord, like, why do I feel that way out of curiosity, not shame, but just like, why am I feeling that way? And so the biggest thing for me, To give thanks instead of comparing, um, I feel like that is the greatest, like weapon against insecurity. Um, and so I've had to.

Like literally call out things like, okay, I may be at my friend's house. And, um, she said like a beautiful feast before I send her house is organized and beautiful. And there's candles lit and the bathrooms clean. And like I had like a crazy day. And instead of being like, oh, I'm just not, I'm not like her in my house doesn't look like this.

Or, I mean, I wish I could gather people like this or whatever. It's like, okay, no, I'm going to give thanks instead, like we're thank you for making my friend this way. Thank you for the gift she has of hosting and hospitality. And I love her intentions of, um, creating a beautiful feast and setting out candles.

And I feel so welcome or thank you for the space where I can come tonight and just, yeah. Really like be served. Like I'm going to receive this lab and I'm going to encourage her by wow. Look at how God has gifted you to host people and make them feel so welcome. Um, and then I think another big weapon that we can do is when we feel like we're comparing ourselves with someone else and feeling so less than is to pray for that person and to ask the Lord, Lord, how do you see this person?

How do you see her? Like, what do you have to say about her? And, um, I wrote about this in the book too, but I was a part of this group of women that were just. Powerhouse women and ran businesses and were amazing. Like in my head they were just amazing. And I felt like, wow, what do I have to do? Like, I am not like these women, I don't, I'm not in the same season.

I feel like I'm in a no season and are like, stay at home unseen season. And I just battled comparison for almost a year. And it almost, it just. Took the fire out of my bones. Like it just took the wind out of my sails. I think it just sucked me dry. Um, which I feel like is such a tactic of the enemy. And I finally felt like the Lord was like, okay, Alyssa, I want you to start praying for each one of these women get off social media.

Like don't follow them in this season. I want you to start praying for them and ask me like how I view them, what is my heart towards them? And as I did. It transformed. It just transformed me and how I saw them. And all of a sudden, all the walls were broken down. I felt like I could have the father's heart towards them.

And instead of feeling so insecure or less than because of their gifts, I felt so grateful for how the Lord created them and the, the gift that they were to the world, the gift that they were in the kingdom. And I felt like, um, instead of. Being silent and holding back things like I'm going to cheer them on in that.

I'm going to pray for them over that. And the Lord gave me verses for each one and it just was like the neatest moment in my life to really see the father's heart towards people and how, when we see. People through his eyes, there's a unity and there's a love. And there's like, I want to cheer them on and what God has called them to, instead of feeling inferior and less than, and like knowing that God has given me a gift too.

And I want to step into that. And I feel like when we get sucked into comparison, when we get sucked into envy and jealousy, it really does. Hold us back from what God has for us. Like, it's just such a tactic of the enemy. Um, and so, yeah, so those, I mean, that's a really long-winded no, I love it, but just.

Steps that I've learned is to be aware, to ask the Lord out of curiosity, to give thanks, and then to really pray for them and ask for the father's part towards them. Yeah, that's so good. So, so good. And you know, something that I come back to often in this conversation is just thinking about our thought lives, right?

It's so easy for us to get derailed and just coming back to like, If it's thoughts of comparison or body image, or just the host of all of the things that we've talked about today that we can kind of slip into. It's like, wait, no, I didn't get that thought from God. So like, how do I surrender that over to him?

And, um, and, and walk through these steps that we're saying of praying for them of having a heart of gratitude. It happens with all of us. And so I love that you tackle this in the book. I think it's such an important topic. And before we go over to our Patrion community, which I am so excited for our people to get to know you a little better, um, we're here today, which we said it in the beginning, but I want to say the name of the book again.

We're here today to talk about your new book. Satisfied, which you can kind of hear, um, the contentment satisfied thread that kind of has his weave through our entire conversation today. But I want you to share Alyssa a little bit about like, what can people expect from the book it's beautiful. And I want you to share a little bit about kind of how it's laid out and sort of your heart.

Yeah. So it's, um, more of like a coffee table book with pictures in it, of my family. And now we, where we live and, um, just like nature. And then it has tons of essays in it split into three sections. So it's like how God satisfies us, how we can be satisfied in who we are and who he's created us to be body image, um, that kind of thing.

And then how God satisfies. How we can be satisfied in our season of life, whether you're a young mom or married or single, and just the roles that we have. So it's just, um, my heart was that instead of maybe going to Instagram to get filled up, you could just pull out the book quick essay, especially for like young moms that don't have a lot of time read about how the word meets us in this place and just really like meet with them.

And my biggest heart is that people will open up the book and feel God's presence. And just long to be with him. I talk a lot about. Yeah, just like LA unmet longings and grief, and, um, how to be satisfied in the mundane and ordinary. And, um, and I think it's really cool at meets women, um, in all different seasons of life.

Obviously, I, I am a young mom, so I write from that perspective, but it also reaches older. Yeah. Women that are grandmas and single women, um, and young adults. And so, and then in the back, there's, um, a handful of recipes, like 10 to 12 recipes and my heart behind that was just we, our family loves to eat and we love to have people around our table.

And I feel like that's something that's really satisfying when you have, can provide a meal to someone that's hurting or going through a season. That's really hard. Or to have people around your table. And so just providing easy meals and good conversation and community really, um, is so satisfying. So there's also, um, you know, recipes in them.

Yeah, I love that so much. I am so excited about it. It's beautiful. And you've just done such a good job, putting it together and really rounding out and fleshing out sort of every angle of this idea of satisfied. So I love it so much. Well, Alyssa, before we go, I want you to share with listeners, how can they get in touch with you?

Grab the book, um, be a part of everything else you and Jeff were creating. Tell us. Yeah. So the book is, um, you can buy it anywhere. Books are sold, target Walmart, Barnes and noble Amazon. Um, and then my husband, Jeff and I, we, it's funny when people ask us what we do. I don't know which thing to, and a lot of different ways, anything that we can share about Jesus, um, in creative ways.

So you can find us@jeffandalyssa.com. We do like a family ministry. Um, my husband's book comes out in September too, so we're getting, getting up for that and, um, just a lot of really fun, cool things happening on there. So you can see it all on our way. Cool. Good deal. Well, I am so grateful for you. I just want to thank you one more time for being with me today and I can't wait for listeners to go pick up satisfied.

Thanks so much. It was so fun.