Episode 127. The Road To Roses with Desiree Hartsock Siegfried

Unedited Transcript

Des. I am so excited to have you today. Thank you for being with me. Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm excited. I have been really excited for you to write a book for a long time, because I love your podcast. We sort of run in similar lanes and so it's been fun to see your podcast grow and, and I, how long have you been podcasting, but it's been a year.

Okay. I started mine in 2022, early, early 2020. So, um, yeah, I'm just excited to chat with you. I'm so excited about the road to roses. It's great. I read about half of it on a beach trip about a month ago, and it was best to just lay out and shine and read your story. So. So I loved it. I'm so excited. Thank you for reading it.

Yeah. I love, I always love when I get to read the book before I talk to authors, I think it just like makes it so much more fun. So I would just love to kind of, as we jump off here, like the story behind the book, right? Like you didn't have to do this. Right. Like, it is very vulnerable. It is a lot of stuff that like, nobody knows about your story, your story on the bachelor, the bachelorette.

I just want to hear, like, how did you, how, when did you decide to like go down the path of doing this? Yeah. You know, actually, ironically I have always wanted to write a book. So even when I was like, you know, 20, 21, um, And then I even wrote it down in like, you know, my prayer journals, like write a book.

And that was like 2008, 2009. And so I have always felt like I had a story to share, um, just from like childhood and dating relationships and overcoming and, and hope has always been my key message. Like. Throughout life. And so I have always wanted to write a book and it's just, you know, God's timing is everything.

So like I had to go through so much more through the bachelor bachelorette, through motherhood, through learning lessons in business, like. I had to go through so much more to really come to this place here today, to be able to share wisdom and truth that I had to walk through and things that I had to heal from that I didn't know I needed to.

And so I know people are like, well, why now? Why now? You know, it's been eight years since the show. And it's, it's like, you know, It would not have the same impact if I wrote it right after the show, because I wasn't in a good place, you know, I was overwhelmed and I'm just stressed. And I didn't know a lot of the things I needed healing from.

Yeah. And so now God's timing is everything. Yeah, it is. And it's really fun to get, to have this conversation right now, by the time of day ears, we'll probably really get to celebrate, but I'm pitching my first book right now. Oh, so good. Yeah. And so, and we're like, we're like so close. So, um, but I have a very similar story in that.

Like seven years ago, I went to my first writing conference and I was fresh out of college. I thought I'd written the best book proposal the world had ever seen. I mean, it was just like a big God dream of mine, but I didn't know where to start. And everybody I met with and pitched my idea to turn me down and gave me all kinds of grades, wisdom and ideas of ways I needed to grow.

And so I went and I did that for like six years. And then I signed with my agent last summer. And it's been so interesting. Um, you know, now that we're here now that we're, we're actually having, we have a book that we're pitching. My story is so similar in that I shutter to think of the book that I would have written seven years ago.

And it's so cool to even, um, to even think about. You know that idea where people talk about you, you should write from your scars, not your wounds. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I was going to say, I always say like healed people, heal people. I would not be able to speak life into someone else's life if I haven't overcome my own struggles.

Yeah. And that's the same thing. Yeah. It's from your scars because you have overcome them that you can now. Like help bandage and mend other people's wounds. Yes, yes, no. I love that. And I. That is true in your story and how you wrote this book too. I think it was important that you had some years to, to heal and to, and to really be able to speak from a place of freedom about what you went through and how, how God moved in all of that.

And so I just, I loved, I loved reading so many parts of your story, the beginning where you sort of Chronicle the season you were in before. For your cast for the show and sort of the Cinderella experience of, so you're dressed that more for your limo entrance. Okay. Here. Here's what you need to know.

Like I, okay. I love, I love that part of your story. Um, I, so all of my friends give me such a hard time because. I would way rather like walk in a thrift store and find like a cute pair of pants or like just the right dress that I need for an event and pay like $12 for it. Then they get the world. And so I was reading your story and I was like, you go girl, that is that's amazing.

So I won. I love it. I want you, people can read all about it in the book, but tell us a little bit about it. Well, yeah, I mean, I couldn't afford a dress. Like I couldn't afford new clothes to go into the show. Like I just, I was living penny to penny, like paycheck to paycheck. Um, and so I have a design background.

I know. So of course I'm like, yeah. What a great way to like. Do what I love have this opportunity to show what I can do. And also out of necessity, like I need to, so my dress, because you know, the cost of materials was way cheaper. Um, otherwise I would have been going to Ross and getting like, you know, whatever dress I could find, you know, I I'm so proud of myself looking back because I was working so many hours.

I was like almost running this bridal store. For like nothing, no money. Um, but running myself ragged and then I'd come home and then I'd sew. And, um, somebody just gave me live. So it was just nice to be able to see that I finished it and I was able to wear it. And I guess I didn't realize just how, um, much of a moment it would be in my story too, because it, it kind of was like that, like, I'm here.

All right, God do what you want to do. Um, but it was, it's just been really cool to see that, but yeah, I mean, it was out of necessity, so just thank God I can sew and design a dress. Yeah, no, I love that so much. And I think. I think that's so, I mean, it was just so you like, it was so your personality to do that as well, which is really sweet.

I remember when my husband and I were about to get engaged. I don't think I've ever told this story on the podcast, but what he, so we dated long distance and. I knew like I was with him when he bought the ring, we had to kind of like plan trips. Cause that's what you do when you're a long distance. And so I kind of knew that he was going to propose the next time he came up and there was this consignment sale in our city.

I lived in Knoxville at the time, um, like a wedding dress consignment sale. And one of my best friends found it and knew like, oh my gosh, we have to take Rebecca. Cause this is like her dream of all dreams. And I had no intention of buying a dress. But I walked in and I grabbed several that I loved. The first one I tried on was my favorite on the rack.

And I mean, I tried on like 10 other dresses and I just kept looking at that first dress. And I think, I think the retail price on it was like, it was something, I mean, it was like $2,000 or something. And, um, It still had the tags on it. And I think I paid like $400 for it. And I bought it that day, like before we even got engaged and there were so many people that were like, how, how, why did you do that?

Like before you all were even where even he had even proposed. But anyway, I just love when there's like moments of a story where you're like, but that's actually, so my personality, you know? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That's so cute. I love that. I know it was so fun. Okay. I'm just like jumping all over the board because we don't have time to talk about the whole book because I want people to go grab it.

But, and then another piece of your story that I really loved is sort of this second chance that you got to be on the bachelorette. Like, I would love to hear. Like round two, like what was different for you the second time? Were you nervous? Were you excited? Like, yeah. I mean, it's just, it's, it's just so wild, you know, like, none of that is my personality.

As we're talking about personalities, like, I was introverted, reserved, like my friends barely knew who I was because it was just, you know, I was just like a wall, you know, like I had built up so, so much, um, so many. Walls around me that, um, I couldn't, I was super like open and myself, but, um, I would only be vulnerable if asked.

Do you know what I mean? Like in your twenties, most people don't ask you questions. They just care about themselves. Um, and so the first time around, I was still that girl, I was very guarded, very guarded. And so like, I wasn't gonna let myself get hurt by Sean because. I was already, you know, I just got, gotten out of relationships where I kind of, I kind of knew who I was funny looking back because I've grown so much.

But in that time when I was 26, I was like, you know, I've grown a lot. I know who I am and I know what I need in the husband, which is so funny. Yeah, I totally did it. But, um, So on the bachelor, I was super guarded. I felt very strong and like, kind of just, I was confident in my decisions and like, knowing like, you know, Sean wasn't right for me, so I didn't care.

And I wasn't. Like super upset. Um, and then you go into the sh the up, and then when I was asked, if I'd be interested for the bachelorette, I was a little hesitant because it's, it's a journey, you know, it's an emotional journey. Um, but I did know, you know, the lead gets paid. I was swimming in debt. So I was like, you know, that would be a great opportunity.

But ultimately from the bachelor to the bachelor, I ultimately, I gave it to God. I was like, you know, like, yeah, If this door opens great, then I will walk through it and I will take the risks needed. And if it closes, then it's not the right door for me. And I was okay with that. And in all honesty, I think that's why they chose me because I just did not care because I was just, you know, I, I didn't seek it.

I was just letting God do his thing. And so when he opened the door, I mean, I was super nervous and hesitant and. I, I was never very good with like all eyes on me, which I still struggle with. Like, you know, I don't like that feeling, um, or being center of attention or I'm SU I, you know, I'm sensitive to things.

And so I think I just read into too many things to where it kind of broke down my confidence. So like the first night I talk about how even just like fluffing my hair and not getting the look right. Kind of built these insecurities, but then. Because I'm being asked about my feelings every day. I think I was, it was easy for me to be vulnerable and just open.

Um, and ultimately again, I just knew that like, God would use what he needed. Um, yeah. So I never worried about editing. I never worried about, I was just like, you know, it is what it is and whatever happens, happens. Yeah. Little did I know what would happen, but you know, it all has it all is turned around.

Yeah, I love that. And I think that's so representative of so many moments in our lives where we're walking into something new or we're we feel called into a new season and you know, the path forward is, is rarely if ever very clear, but it's just that thought of, okay, God, I. I'm going to trust you with the next step.

And I'm going to continue walking through the door until you close it. And like, I've been praying a lot of those prayers in some things in my own life right now. And I love how, like, that was your story, even with something like the bachelorette. And so, um, I think that really encourages and speaks to people kind of in that, in that place today, you know, Yeah, I think too often we try to control our, um, opportunities to control the doors that open and controlled the way that we want it to go.

Um, but ultimately like, God knows better. He knows what we need and it's always going to be better than what we need, what we think we need. Um, and so I think just getting it to him in all decisions. I know like for me personally, when I know it's from God, like. It's, you know, you have a divine peace over you and there's no doubt.

There's no doubt. And, um, when you can just step into faith and, and jump and take that leap of faith, like it shows that you are trusting God and you're trusting him. So he will sh he will bless you for that. And it may not be when you want it. But it's always right on time. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. So good. Okay.

What is something and you talk about some of these things in the book, but I'd love for you to share maybe something that you wish people knew that they didn't see on the show and about the show. I mean, I don't know. I feel like I wish Chris and my relationship was shown a little bit more and like the quirkiness, cause there was a lot of like quirkiness and like.

I don't know, the humor kind of gets lost with all the drama or the, you know, all the storyline. So I think more of that little like humor and quirkiness yeah. Would have been fun to see. But yeah. I mean, I don't know. Yeah, no, I love that. That's good. Okay. A lot of our people. Are either single or they're walking down the path of dating.

Um, and they're, they're in that season of life. Right. And so I would love to talk about, like, when did you know Chris was the one and how would you want to encourage listeners today who are searching for their person? Or they're like, what do I look for? How do I know? And they're kind of in the thick of that, how would you encourage that?

Um, well, so for Chris, It w it was just so different from anything I've ever dated. Like just hit him. He was just so good and nice and, and perfect. And so I think perfect scared me because I'm like, that's not right. I'm like, I need to be like a little bit more on my toes and maybe love is supposed to be a little hard.

Than that, but those are all lies. I just have stemmed from past relationships and also less can often be deceived into feeling like love when it's not. And so for Chris, man, I, I knew after, um, our hometown date, cause he kind of took things a little. Slower too. Um, but then once I met his family, it almost was like, he kind of took a breath of, you know, it's almost like he kind of relaxed a little bit.

And then I just was like, wow, like we, we just meshed so well, like everything about him and his family and, and I don't know, he just so perfect, but, um, Yeah, I would say, um, after hometowns, I really, really knew, like I knew I didn't want to ever say goodbye to him. So, I mean, in hindsight, I wish I had that opportunity to choose for myself rather than people assuming that Brooke's left.

And I was upset. Cause Chris was always still, like, I could never say goodbye to him. Like, yeah. He just w he was just like that missing piece and it, and it went so effortlessly. I think that's the other key. Like, I didn't feel in my, I didn't feel like I needed to impress him. I didn't feel I needed to be anybody different.

And because he was like my friend at first, you know, we just had great conversation and we just meshed. It was easy. And I think that's what we miss sometimes in our dating life is. We turn away the good guy, the nice guy, because we don't think he's exciting or going to keep us on our toes. And it's sad because.

What you want in a partner, what you want in a father of your kids is someone stable and steady and like someone who is going to stick there and stay there and fight for the relationship. Um, and so that was a huge lesson I had to learn. And I'm just so thankful I learned it because, and I'm so thankful God put it back to back.

So. Because Brook's personality is something I always went for because it was like, oh my God, I need a team, this person. And, and, um, if it wasn't for Chris being right there in that time, and if I wasn't on the show, I probably would have went right back into my dating patterns. Yeah. And I'd still be singled to this day probably.

Yeah. But it was just so much, like, I just felt God's love in it too. You know, I didn't just feel Chris's love. I felt God's love, which wasn't very important for me to be able to be like, wow, like, This is how you see me, God, like the weight, like through Chris's eyes and the way that he treats me is the way that you want me to feel.

It's, it's how you want me to feel loved. Um, and so the advice I always, I feel like it's repetitive because I say it I'll probably on every podcast. That's about dating, but, um, so back when I was out of the relationship that didn't work out before the show. I was seeking God wholeheartedly. And I just was like, I don't want, I don't want this.

Like, I don't want to meet a guy the same way. I don't want to have to go through this again. Like I, so I shifted my perspective. I shifted my mindset and I shifted my prayers. So rather than being like, God, give me my husband now, you know? Or, um, I just started to pray for my husband's heart. I said, do you know, like, I don't know who he is.

I don't know what he looks like. I don't know when I'm going to meet him, but father prepare his heart for me so that when he meets me, he will know it. And it's funny though, you know, I kind of forget about that prayer when the start of the show, but then it's like, that was totally Chris, you know, he was steady.

He was there for me. He didn't care about anyone else. His heart was ready. Yeah. And that's what I needed because I still had like such a, you know, I'm a flighty. So I'd like, you know, a flighty personality if lady heart that I needed. I'm so thankful. I prayed that because I now see, like I needed someone to be prepared even more than I thought I was yeah.

To help, to help me really anchor. Anchor myself into what God wanted for me. Yeah. That's so good. Oh, there's so many things you said that I just are so many of the same things that I share when I talk about dating. And I mean, going back to like what you look for. You know, mysterious is really cute when you're dieting and it's really fun.

Like tame, tame, that, that whole idea of like, oh, I feel like I have to tame him. Or it's like, you feel, you want to feel special as if you're the only one who can, you know, it's like, Yes. And that's what you hear dating. It's not cute when you're married and you're wanting to move towards having kids and that kind of thing.

And one of the things that I had really specifically prayed, and I think this is a generational thing I'd love to know if you agree, is. I just wanted like clarity. Like I didn't want to have to guess where he was at. I didn't. I, and so I remember specifically praying, like my specific prayer about my future spouse when I was single was God, I just want him to be direct.

Like I just, I just pray, like if it be your will, like, and I feel like this does honor and glorify you that he would be a good communicator and that he would be clear with what he. What he wants, where he's at, where his heart is at. And if you knew my husband, you would know just how just out, well, that prayer, even to a degree, um, you, you never have to question where Dustin is at, um, on anything, which is such, such an answer to prayer.

Okay. That is so funny because that is a prayer. I didn't know. I needed. But it, oh yeah. So Chris to a T yeah. Area. So, so I didn't know that that, that directness and that communication is something that I need it because I didn't grow up with communication, but. It it's so helpful. Like when we first got together, like he would do things that I'm like, okay, like, I don't need to do that, but thank you.

Like, he would call me during his lunch break and I'm busy working to where this is so sad because I wasn't used to that. I'd be like, okay, I'm really busy. Got to go, you know? Or he would, or he texts me like I'm on my way home. Or he would tell me his like everywhere. He went. It was so it's so great.

Cause yeah, I, I never had to feel those moments of insecurity of like, what is he doing? Why isn't he calling me? Like, you know? And so that was really helpful and it's something I didn't even know I needed, but I really do need that because my all my whole like past dating history was constantly guessing, constantly worried and constantly feeling insecure about the relationship because they weren't communicative.

Yeah. So that's so funny. I never really, until you said that realized just, yeah, I mean, that's a prayer. I think many women should be praying because you need that in a, you need that in a husband. I agree. And I wonder if this was the case for you because you have such an independent personality and I do as well in marriage.

One of the things that has been interesting is like accepting, help. Oh, yeah, for sure. One has been something that has been really for, because I mean, we did, we both did a lot of like adult life on our end before we got married. Even last night. I don't remember what I was doing, but he was like, if you'll just give me like, just a second.

I think I was like trying, I got, I made a pizza and I was trying to like, get it out of the oven and it was hot and there was something on the counter that I needed to move. And I was like, I don't do it all myself. That's a really small example, but he was like, no, you will slow down for like 0.2 seconds.

I will get that for you. And like, I will serve you and I will help you. But there are so many moments where I'm like, okay, just like, let him, let him help me. Yeah. That is really funny. How long have you been married? Almost? Well, I keep saying almost two years. Our anniversary was in. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So, okay.

That's really funny yet in the beginning. So like really, really the beginning. Yeah. It was hard for Chris because. He just wanted to be the man. And, and like, if we went to a restaurant and, you know, we, we were sat at a seat. We didn't want to get set out. Like I worked in the industry, so I'd be like, I know what to do.

Let me just grab a table. Like, let me go talk to who I need to talk to. Okay. Um, but he just really wanted to be the man and like own it. And I didn't let him do that in the beginning because I wasn't used to it. I was very independent. Yeah. I was on my own since 18. So like, I didn't need a man to do those things for me.

Um, but I will say now that we're like, you know, six years into marriage, I've I think I've let that his helpfulness be a crutch. Okay. So where to where now I just expect him to do things where I know I can do it. So why don't I just do it? So that's something I'm like, I gotta work on that too, but it's hard with kids I'm super busy.

So sometimes I'm like sure. He handles all the important stuff, you know, but sometimes I, you know, I don't know. Need to let that be a crutch. So don't let that end up being a crutch for you. Yes. Okay. Thank you. Noted. I love that. Um, okay. So one of the things that I wanted to talk about, we talk about this a lot on the show because it's recent personal experience for me.

Um, we shared a little bit of, of a same experience in that after the show, everything about your life changed. Yeah. Right. So you moved to a new city, you were married to a new man. You had a new job. You were dealing with like the fame that came along with the show. Right. And so on a waist, smaller scale and in a completely different life experience.

Yeah. It's probably still the same feelings, you know, the same. Yes. And so when we got married, I moved from Knoxville, Tennessee, where I lived and been my entire life to small town of 12,000 people in south Mississippi. My husband is a pastor, so got married and also became a pastor's wife at the same time and started a new job.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Right. And so just that similar feeling of like, my life just got flipped upside down in the best way. Right. But yeah, so much change. So I'm curious, like, were there things that really helped you in that season? What would you want to share about kind of that season? And even if you just say, Hey, it was really hard, but we got through it.

Yeah. Yeah. It was really hard. And I think what was the hardest part that I wish I didn't allow happen was I allowed my entire day to be filled with like other people's needs and the workload that I put on myself. So I didn't take the time. I did not carve that or prioritize the time for God. Yeah. And that was years because I was just overwhelmed.

I felt like I had so much on my shoulders on top of, you know, the critics and everyone else. And I'm like, it was heavy. I feel like I was actually in a really. That spot, but I had moved and like, I wasn't near close people who could like maybe get me out of the dark cloud, um, except for Chris. So Chris was my anchor and my rock because he just didn't let anything get to him.

And so it was really helpful for that. Uh, but we w we were also navigating, you know, the communication styles. So that was also difficult. So I think I just wore it. Yeah for years. And so if I could go back and give advice to anyone who has those things going on, put God first, wake up in the morning and pray, read your Bible.

Because if I anchored myself in the word and in God, I wouldn't have felt the way I felt. I just allowed so much shit to get into my head and my heart. And so it took, you know, so it took being forced to stop. My busy-ness when I became a mom to really be like, wow, sorry, God. Like, I can't believe I let all of those years go by without just letting you lead.

I was just doing everything on my own will and, and that's where it it's a downward spiral. Yeah. Um, so. I don't have any tips because I didn't do it myself, but that would be the one thing I would go back. Yeah, no, I completely agree. That was huge for me, as well, as, you know, you, our lives are like well-oiled machines, you have routines and things that you do that feel normal that make you, that make your life feel like your life.

Right. And so I remember moving and yeah. When I joined a gym, when I knew my way around a grocery store, like when I found somebody to work out with like those things that are just like a part of who I am like Rebecca's life and will always be a part of Rebecca's life when I'd established those things.

Like that's when the cloud for me started to lift a little bit. I remember going, running with somebody for the first time since I had moved. And I remember coming home and my husband was like, okay, You are like a different person.

It's like a meeting people. I would say that I, I would feel better with every time I like met a new friend. Um, but, but I didn't really go out often because I didn't like the attention. Yeah. I wouldn't. Yeah, I guess it was interesting, but yeah. I feel like, I feel like that's why you need friends, you know?

And when you do go to a new place is so, so important. Like we just moved to recently in December too. Um, just 30 minutes outside of Portland, but it's still like new to both, both of us, like it's in between where Chris grew up and Portland, but, but it's been so fun just to like, you know, meet new people and.

Then it starts to feel more like home. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to say the name of your book. One more time. It's called the road to roses. I'm so excited for people to pick it up. It'll be out in the world when this releases, which is so fun. I've already read it. It's so good. And that's the best place for people to find you?

All the things you're really active on social as well. Your podcast is called the heart of purpose. Yes. Yes, it's so good. I love it. Um, so, so fun. So those are all the places that you can kind of connect with Dez and everything. What we're going to do now is hop on over to our Patrion community and do sort of a bonus round with Dez, which is going to be really fun.

So make sure you check that out if you are a subscribed patron, but for now, for this part of the conversation, I just want to say a huge thank you for being with me. Thank you so much. That was fun.